I am tired. Tired of thinking about everything we lost. Tired of wondering if we will get there again. Tired of school. Tired of people saying it could be worse (even though I know it could.) Tired of never having enough money. Tired of comparing myself and our situation to others who have it much better right now. Tired of being jealous. Tired of being tired. But NEVER tired of loving these two faces more than I can even begin to explain....
I have been told getting it out is a good thing to do. I miscarried what was to be my second baby in January. I thought I was 11 and a half weeks along but when the midwife couldn't get a heartbeat she had me go for an ultrasound and we found out the baby had passed away at 9 weeks but my body was holding on to the baby. The midwife wouldn't do a D & C so I had to use these pills that basically make you dilate and pass the baby, it was horrible. I didn't go through labor with Lexxie because I had a c-section due to my heart problem, so I had no idea how bad it was going to hurt psychically. The emotional pain ran much deeper though. I was so excited to be pregnant, to have a sibling for Lexx and we wanted our baby. I am still so sad, hurt and mad. This should not have happened, it just shouldn't have. I saw the baby on two different occasions on the ultrasound and everything was fine. Just the other day would have been my babies due date and it was really hard, I had plans, hopes and dreams for the baby and none of it will happen. I just want to know at what point will I start feeling better? Of course the pain has dulled a bit but there are constant reminders...pregnant women, newborn babies, etc. It just hurts so bad still. I am so thankful for Lexxie, she truely is my heart and soul. I don't know what I would do without my sweet girl.
I am just having one of those times where all I seem to think about is the bad things that have happened. I really think that we have experienced more loss, heartache, hard times and rough patches than anyone should at one time. I know things have to get better, they have to right?? Well, I have thought that many times things were starting to look up....and then low and behold NOPE they don't. Of course the light in my life is Lexxie, she is my heart and soul. I love her so much. We are so lucky to have such a smart, beautiful and fun girl. School keeps me busy too, I love it. In about a month I will have 24 units complete! It's going by quick and I am SO GLAD.
I am 30 years old, married for almost 8 years, and the mother of Lexxie (4 1/2), Maxx (almost 2), and Roxxie (3 months). My children are my greatest accomplishment, and being their Mommy is a dream come true. There was a point in time where we didn't think being parents was something we would get to experience.
