Thursday, July 30, 2009

I should probably elaborate a little bit

I have been told getting it out is a good thing to do. I miscarried what was to be my second baby in January. I thought I was 11 and a half weeks along but when the midwife couldn't get a heartbeat she had me go for an ultrasound and we found out the baby had passed away at 9 weeks but my body was holding on to the baby. The midwife wouldn't do a D & C so I had to use these pills that basically make you dilate and pass the baby, it was horrible. I didn't go through labor with Lexxie because I had a c-section due to my heart problem, so I had no idea how bad it was going to hurt psychically. The emotional pain ran much deeper though. I was so excited to be pregnant, to have a sibling for Lexx and we wanted our baby. I am still so sad, hurt and mad. This should not have happened, it just shouldn't have. I saw the baby on two different occasions on the ultrasound and everything was fine. Just the other day would have been my babies due date and it was really hard, I had plans, hopes and dreams for the baby and none of it will happen. I just want to know at what point will I start feeling better? Of course the pain has dulled a bit but there are constant reminders...pregnant women, newborn babies, etc. It just hurts so bad still.
I am so thankful for Lexxie, she truely is my heart and soul. I don't know what I would do without my sweet girl.